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Hatracks

Written by Logan Toftness


CHARACTERS:
ETHEL: an elderly woman
GRANDDAUGHTER: an artist, ETHEL’s granddaughter, 20 years old
EDWIN: an extremely old woman, GRANDDAUGHTER’s great aunt,
MAN: a down-to-earth young man

Setting: A warehouse. Inside, there is a table on its side, a pile of five or six folding chairs lying on the ground in a messy pile, old tires, and some wood. Outside, there is a metal garbage can, a broken ladder, and a car door.


(Outside the warehouse. ETHEL hobbles onstage using a brightly colored umbrella as a cane. She wears a flamboyant hat with birds or fruit on it. GRANDDAUGHTER enters carrying a paintbrush and a canvas.)


ETHEL

Look, it’s just right over there. See, I told you we aren’t lost.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma, that’s not her house.

ETHEL

Oh, of course it is. Who else’s house could it be?

GRANDDAUGHTER

But Grandma-

ETHEL

No, no buts about it. I know you’ve never met your great aunt, but she is family, and you are going to be nice. You know what they say, “Don’t ever judge a book by its cover,” and here you are judging before you’ve even met the poor old dear. Now, where could she be?

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma, this cannot be where she lives! This isn’t even a house! It’s a warehouse!

(ETHEL ignores GRANDDAUGHTER and begins to look for EDWIN in absurd places like under the ladder and near the car door.)

ETHEL

Edwin? Edwin! Now where is that old bat?

(Edwin appears from inside the garbage can.)

ETHEL

Edwin?

EDWIN

Ethel?

ETHEL

Edwin!

(A look of shock overcomes GRANDDAUGHTER’s face as ETHEL runs to EDWIN. They embrace then do a secret handshake.)

EDWIN

It’s so good to see you!

ETHEL

Oh, pish-posh. Look who I brought to see you! My granddaughter!

EDWIN

Well, how very selfish of you. You couldn’t bring me my granddaughter? You had to bring your own? The first time you have the nerve to visit in years and you can’t even bring me my own granddaughter?

ETHEL

Edwin, dear, you don’t have a granddaughter.

EDWIN

Well, that’s true. I guess this one will have to do.

ETHEL

And did I tell you she’s an artist?

EDWIN

Oh, an artist! So, what’s she sculpted? Anything I would enjoy?

                                                                        (EDWIN strikes a dramatic pose.)

GRANDDUAGHTER

Actually, Aunt Edwin, I paint.

EDWIN

Paint? Psssh.

(EDWIN waves her away as she struggles out of the garbage can.)

EDWIN

Painters, not a good one among them. I knew a painter once. Almost married the man. But he kept wanting to buy acrylics and oils and watercolors and brushes. Honestly, what would anyone do with all that paint? Even if you repainted the entire house twice a day for the rest of your life, there would still be gallons of the stuff left over!

GRANDDAUGHTER

I was actually hoping to paint you—a portrait—if you don’t mind.

EDWIN

Oh. (Pause.) Well, I’d be honored!

ETHEL

Shall we go inside?

EDWIN

Of course, how rude of me! Come, come, follow me. Watch your step.

(All three enter the warehouse. Upon entering, ETHEL’s face falls and she is speechless for a moment. She stumbles back and steadies herself with GRANDDAUGHTER’s elbow.)

ETHEL

Oh, Edwin…I don’t know what to say. It’s-it’s beautiful!

(GRANDDAUGHTER looks around in a stunned silence. The other two women carry on like normal.)

EDWIN

Now, where do you want me?

GRANDDAUGHTER

Umm…maybe over here would be nice?

(GRANDDAUGHTER gestures towards the pile of chairs on the floor, then moves to set one up for EDWIN to sit in.)

EDWIN

No, no, no! Don’t do that! It took me ages to get them all to sit still like that. Don’t go moving them—I’ll never get them back in their proper places if you do.

(GRANDDAUGHTER gently returns the chair to its place. She pauses and looks around, then moves towards the table.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

Okay, how about here?

ETHEL

No, no, the lighting is terrible over there. What you should do is wait for the sun to set and paint her then, with the rays forming a nice halo over her head. Oh, and we should find a nice hat-rack to set in the background. I think that would add to the picture quite nicely. It’s too bad you don’t have a hat-rack, Edwin…I guess the painting will just have to wait.

GRANDDAUGHTER

A hat-rack? I think you might mean a coat rack, Grandma…

ETHEL

No, no. A hat-rack! Edwin, you know what I’m talking about.

EDWIN

Of course, dear.

ETHEL

I always loved a good hat-rack. A place to put your finest hats, everyone deserves at least one fancy hat in their lifetime. And this hat should be splendid—no sensible hats for me. No, siree! I like my hats a bit on the whimsical side, the dreamy side, a side with imagination! People take their hats much too seriously these days.

(While ETHEL is talking, EDWIN curls up into a ball in the middle of the floor and falls asleep.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

Umm, Grandma? What is Aunt Edwin doing?

ETHEL

Taking a nap, dear. She’s old. That’s what old people do.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Oh…Grandma, how old is Aunt Edwin?

ETHEL

Shush dear, we don’t talk about that here.

GRANDDAUGHTER

About birthdays?

ETHEL

No. It’s undignified. I have never celebrated a birthday in my life.

GRANDDAUGHTER

But how do you know how old you are?

ETHEL

How do I know how old I am? Really dear, where do such ludicrous ideas come from? Must be artist’s blood. I know I’ve never had such silly thoughts.

GRANDDAUGHTER

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.

ETHEL

Good. I knew you’d come around.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Right…

ETHEL

Shh! Did you hear something?

(ETHEL looks around like a crazy woman.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

No. Why, did you?

ETHEL

No. I was just checking. Just making sure I wasn’t missing anything.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Oh. I see.

(Pause. EDWIN yawns and wakes up. She stretches.)

EDWIN

What are you all doing up there?

GRANDDAUGHTER

Aunt Edwin, you fell asleep.

EDWIN

And you let me sleep all alone? Well some party this turned out to be.

(ETHEL has not been paying attention to the conversation.)

ETHEL

Shh! Did you hear something?

GRANDDAUGHTER

No, haven’t we already been over this?

ETHEL

I think I hear something!

EDWIN

Me too! I can hear it too!

(A loud knock at the door is suddenly heard. ETHEL heads towards the door.)

ETHEL

(Gasps.) There’s a man out there knocking at your door. He looks a bit young for you though, Edwin dear. He doesn’t look too happy…rather menacing-looking actually. I wonder what he wants.

EDWIN

I bet he’s one of those damn real estate agents, always trying to get me to sell them my house. Well, he is not welcome here. Not welcome one bit.

ETHEL

And the fun begins! You get the door, Edwin! I’ll grab my cane. I’ll take care of this.

(ETHEL retrieves her umbrella and heads toward the door with EDWIN. GRANDDAUGHTER does not move. Knocking is heard again, and the MAN’s voice is heard from behind the door.)

MAN

Hello? Is anyone in there?

ETHEL

Let him in, Edwin.

                                                                        (MAN enters.)

ETHEL

Hello? What do you want?

MAN

Hello. My name is-

EDWIN

Go away.

MAN

I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m here to tell you-

ETHEL

That’s just great, but we don’t care why you’re here or what you’re selling. You’re trespassing on private property.

MAN

Well, you see, that’s just the thing I wanted to-

EDWIN

Boring!

MAN

Ma’am, I have a very important message for you, if you would only let me finish.

ETHEL

(To EDWIN, ignoring the MAN) He is a bit dry, huh? Should I spice things up a bit?

MAN

Please, if you would only listen. I was sent here to tell you-

EDWIN

Well, why not? Now things should get interesting!

ETHEL

Or at least less boring. (To the MAN.) Well, it’s lights out for you!

(ETHEL smacks the MAN over the head with her umbrella as EDWIN laughs like a mad woman. The MAN drops to the floor.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma! What are you doing?

ETHEL

Well, he shouldn’t be here. And he talked too much.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma! You can’t just be knocking men off their feet at all hours of the night!

ETHEL

I’m not, dear. What time is it?

EDWIN

(Finally stops laughing.) I don’t know. Midnight?

ETHEL

Well then, I have just knocked him off his feet at midnight. He can have the other hours.

(The MAN groans and starts to move. ETHEL smacks him again with her umbrella.)

ETHEL

Okay, now he can have the rest of the hours. What’s this in his hand?

EDWIN

I don’t know. Why are you asking me?

ETHEL

Well, am I not supposed to ask you?

EDWIN

No, not when I don’t know.

ETHEL

Well, I’ll keep that in mind.

                                                                        (GRANDDAUGHTER picks up the paper.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

It’s an eviction notice. It says this building has been condemned.

EDWIN

Watch your mouth, young lady! I will have no talk of the devil in this house!

GRANDDAUGHTER

It’s not a house, Aunt Edwin! It’s a warehouse.

EDWIN

Exactly! A ware-HOUSE!

GRADNDAUGHTER

Don’t you understand? You can’t stay here. They are tearing the building down!

ETHEL

Oh, honey, don’t be so hard on yourself. They aren’t tearing the building down. That’s a terrible thing to say.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Yes they are! This notice says they are!

ETHEL

Well, just because I say I’m an old teacup filled with crumpets and gin doesn’t make it true! I honestly don’t know where she gets these ideas!

EDWIN

Ridiculous!

ETHEL

Here, is this what’s upsetting you?

(ETHEL takes the paper out of GRANDDAUGHTER’s hands and rips it to pieces.)

ETHEL

There, all better.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma! What did you just do?

ETHEL

You don’t have to worry about it any more.

                                                                        (ETHEL looks down at the body.)

ETHEL

This guy, on the other hand, could be a problem.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Oh, shit. Shit! Is he breathing?

ETHEL

I don’t know. Do you know?

EDWIN

No, I don’t know.

ETHEL

Okay, then I won’t ask.

(Both old women stand in silence, not asking. GRANDDAUGHTER gets on her knees and checks for a pulse.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

He’s not breathing. There’s no pulse.

ETHEL

Well, he’s dead.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Grandma! Don’t say that!

EDWIN

No use running from the truth. He’s dead as dead can be.

GRANDDAUGHETR

Aunt Edwin! A man just died!

EDWIN

People die every day, just a fact of life.

(EDWIN yawns and resumes her place on the floor for another nap.)

GRADNDAUGHTER

(Pause.) We have to get rid of the body.

ETHEL

Why? He’s not going anywhere.

                                                                        (ETHEL sits on the floor near EDWIN.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

No, no! This is not how you react when a man dies! How are you so calm? Both of you! What is wrong with you?

ETHEL

Calm down, jeeze. Your mother said you had a temper, but I didn’t think it was this bad. You need to learn how to control those feeling, dear. Otherwise the world is going to be a very cruel place for you.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Argh! You know what? Fine. Whatever. Here is me, being calm.

(GRANDDAUGHTER sits on the floor with her elderly relatives.)

ETHEL

See, now isn’t this nice? Calm, peaceful.

(EDWIN wakes up and soundlessly stares at the body on the floor.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

Yes, I guess it is kind of relaxing…Wait. No. I can’t do this. A man is dead. You’re not supposed to be able to feel this good after just killing a man. But it just feels so…nice. So calm. You know, I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. Somehow, here, it doesn’t really seem to matter. He would have died eventually anyway—we just helped him get there a little faster! I mean, he seemed rather unhappy—and now just look at him! Not a worry in the world! Really, in a miserable life like his, what’s the point?

ETHEL

That’s just it, dear, there is no point. Life’s what you make of it—don’t they teach you anything in school these days? See, all you had to do was take a few deep breaths and-

EDWIN

You know, I don’t like him there. He’s blocking the entryway. It’s very rude.

ETHEL

Well, we better move him. Maybe he can be useful after all.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Wait, useful? How can a dead man be useful?

ETHEL

Use your imagination, dear. You are an artist, are you not?

GRANDDAUGHTER

I guess so…

ETHEL

Well, all right then. How can we make this giant lemon of a man into a refreshing glass of lemonade?

GRANDDAUGHTER

Umm…maybe we could…use him…as a hat-rack!

EDWIN

Brilliant! See, she got some of your blood after all. Help me move him, won’t you dearies?

(EDWIN gets up and goes over to the body. The other two women follow. They prop the MAN up against the toppled table, and ETHEL removes her hat and places it on his head. As a final touch, ETHEL leans her cane against him.)

ETHEL

Perfect! Now, about that painting…

(GRANDDAUGHTER gathers her art supplies and ETHEL helps EDWIN arrange herself near the MAN.)

GRANDDAUGHTER

You know, I think this will be the best painting I’ve ever done.

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