Hatracks
Written by Logan Toftness
CHARACTERS:
ETHEL: an elderly woman
GRANDDAUGHTER: an artist, ETHEL’s granddaughter, 20 years old
EDWIN: an extremely old woman, GRANDDAUGHTER’s great aunt,
MAN: a down-to-earth young man
Setting: A warehouse. Inside, there is a table on its side, a pile of five or six folding chairs lying on the ground in a messy pile, old tires, and some wood. Outside, there is a metal garbage can, a broken ladder, and a car door.
(Outside the warehouse. ETHEL hobbles onstage using a brightly colored umbrella as a cane. She wears a flamboyant hat with birds or fruit on it. GRANDDAUGHTER enters carrying a paintbrush and a canvas.)
ETHEL
Look, it’s just right over there. See, I told you we aren’t lost.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma, that’s not her house.
ETHEL
Oh, of course it is. Who else’s house could it be?
GRANDDAUGHTER
But Grandma-
ETHEL
No, no buts about it. I know you’ve never met your great aunt, but she is family, and you are going to be nice. You know what they say, “Don’t ever judge a book by its cover,” and here you are judging before you’ve even met the poor old dear. Now, where could she be?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma, this cannot be where she lives! This isn’t even a house! It’s a warehouse!
(ETHEL ignores GRANDDAUGHTER and begins to look for EDWIN in absurd places like under the ladder and near the car door.)
ETHEL
Edwin? Edwin! Now where is that old bat?
(Edwin appears from inside the garbage can.)
ETHEL
Edwin?
EDWIN
Ethel?
ETHEL
Edwin!
(A look of shock overcomes GRANDDAUGHTER’s face as ETHEL runs to EDWIN. They embrace then do a secret handshake.)
EDWIN
It’s so good to see you!
ETHEL
Oh, pish-posh. Look who I brought to see you! My granddaughter!
EDWIN
Well, how very selfish of you. You couldn’t bring me my granddaughter? You had to bring your own? The first time you have the nerve to visit in years and you can’t even bring me my own granddaughter?
ETHEL
Edwin, dear, you don’t have a granddaughter.
EDWIN
Well, that’s true. I guess this one will have to do.
ETHEL
And did I tell you she’s an artist?
EDWIN
Oh, an artist! So, what’s she sculpted? Anything I would enjoy?
(EDWIN strikes a dramatic pose.)
GRANDDUAGHTER
Actually, Aunt Edwin, I paint.
EDWIN
Paint? Psssh.
(EDWIN waves her away as she struggles out of the garbage can.)
EDWIN
Painters, not a good one among them. I knew a painter once. Almost married the man. But he kept wanting to buy acrylics and oils and watercolors and brushes. Honestly, what would anyone do with all that paint? Even if you repainted the entire house twice a day for the rest of your life, there would still be gallons of the stuff left over!
GRANDDAUGHTER
I was actually hoping to paint you—a portrait—if you don’t mind.
EDWIN
Oh. (Pause.) Well, I’d be honored!
ETHEL
Shall we go inside?
EDWIN
Of course, how rude of me! Come, come, follow me. Watch your step.
(All three enter the warehouse. Upon entering, ETHEL’s face falls and she is speechless for a moment. She stumbles back and steadies herself with GRANDDAUGHTER’s elbow.)
ETHEL
Oh, Edwin…I don’t know what to say. It’s-it’s beautiful!
(GRANDDAUGHTER looks around in a stunned silence. The other two women carry on like normal.)
EDWIN
Now, where do you want me?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm…maybe over here would be nice?
(GRANDDAUGHTER gestures towards the pile of chairs on the floor, then moves to set one up for EDWIN to sit in.)
EDWIN
No, no, no! Don’t do that! It took me ages to get them all to sit still like that. Don’t go moving them—I’ll never get them back in their proper places if you do.
(GRANDDAUGHTER gently returns the chair to its place. She pauses and looks around, then moves towards the table.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Okay, how about here?
ETHEL
No, no, the lighting is terrible over there. What you should do is wait for the sun to set and paint her then, with the rays forming a nice halo over her head. Oh, and we should find a nice hat-rack to set in the background. I think that would add to the picture quite nicely. It’s too bad you don’t have a hat-rack, Edwin…I guess the painting will just have to wait.
GRANDDAUGHTER
A hat-rack? I think you might mean a coat rack, Grandma…
ETHEL
No, no. A hat-rack! Edwin, you know what I’m talking about.
EDWIN
Of course, dear.
ETHEL
I always loved a good hat-rack. A place to put your finest hats, everyone deserves at least one fancy hat in their lifetime. And this hat should be splendid—no sensible hats for me. No, siree! I like my hats a bit on the whimsical side, the dreamy side, a side with imagination! People take their hats much too seriously these days.
(While ETHEL is talking, EDWIN curls up into a ball in the middle of the floor and falls asleep.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm, Grandma? What is Aunt Edwin doing?
ETHEL
Taking a nap, dear. She’s old. That’s what old people do.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh…Grandma, how old is Aunt Edwin?
ETHEL
Shush dear, we don’t talk about that here.
GRANDDAUGHTER
About birthdays?
ETHEL
No. It’s undignified. I have never celebrated a birthday in my life.
GRANDDAUGHTER
But how do you know how old you are?
ETHEL
How do I know how old I am? Really dear, where do such ludicrous ideas come from? Must be artist’s blood. I know I’ve never had such silly thoughts.
GRANDDAUGHTER
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.
ETHEL
Good. I knew you’d come around.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Right…
ETHEL
Shh! Did you hear something?
(ETHEL looks around like a crazy woman.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
No. Why, did you?
ETHEL
No. I was just checking. Just making sure I wasn’t missing anything.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh. I see.
(Pause. EDWIN yawns and wakes up. She stretches.)
EDWIN
What are you all doing up there?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Aunt Edwin, you fell asleep.
EDWIN
And you let me sleep all alone? Well some party this turned out to be.
(ETHEL has not been paying attention to the conversation.)
ETHEL
Shh! Did you hear something?
GRANDDAUGHTER
No, haven’t we already been over this?
ETHEL
I think I hear something!
EDWIN
Me too! I can hear it too!
(A loud knock at the door is suddenly heard. ETHEL heads towards the door.)
ETHEL
(Gasps.) There’s a man out there knocking at your door. He looks a bit young for you though, Edwin dear. He doesn’t look too happy…rather menacing-looking actually. I wonder what he wants.
EDWIN
I bet he’s one of those damn real estate agents, always trying to get me to sell them my house. Well, he is not welcome here. Not welcome one bit.
ETHEL
And the fun begins! You get the door, Edwin! I’ll grab my cane. I’ll take care of this.
(ETHEL retrieves her umbrella and heads toward the door with EDWIN. GRANDDAUGHTER does not move. Knocking is heard again, and the MAN’s voice is heard from behind the door.)
MAN
Hello? Is anyone in there?
ETHEL
Let him in, Edwin.
(MAN enters.)
ETHEL
Hello? What do you want?
MAN
Hello. My name is-
EDWIN
Go away.
MAN
I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m here to tell you-
ETHEL
That’s just great, but we don’t care why you’re here or what you’re selling. You’re trespassing on private property.
MAN
Well, you see, that’s just the thing I wanted to-
EDWIN
Boring!
MAN
Ma’am, I have a very important message for you, if you would only let me finish.
ETHEL
(To EDWIN, ignoring the MAN) He is a bit dry, huh? Should I spice things up a bit?
MAN
Please, if you would only listen. I was sent here to tell you-
EDWIN
Well, why not? Now things should get interesting!
ETHEL
Or at least less boring. (To the MAN.) Well, it’s lights out for you!
(ETHEL smacks the MAN over the head with her umbrella as EDWIN laughs like a mad woman. The MAN drops to the floor.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! What are you doing?
ETHEL
Well, he shouldn’t be here. And he talked too much.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! You can’t just be knocking men off their feet at all hours of the night!
ETHEL
I’m not, dear. What time is it?
EDWIN
(Finally stops laughing.) I don’t know. Midnight?
ETHEL
Well then, I have just knocked him off his feet at midnight. He can have the other hours.
(The MAN groans and starts to move. ETHEL smacks him again with her umbrella.)
ETHEL
Okay, now he can have the rest of the hours. What’s this in his hand?
EDWIN
I don’t know. Why are you asking me?
ETHEL
Well, am I not supposed to ask you?
EDWIN
No, not when I don’t know.
ETHEL
Well, I’ll keep that in mind.
(GRANDDAUGHTER picks up the paper.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
It’s an eviction notice. It says this building has been condemned.
EDWIN
Watch your mouth, young lady! I will have no talk of the devil in this house!
GRANDDAUGHTER
It’s not a house, Aunt Edwin! It’s a warehouse.
EDWIN
Exactly! A ware-HOUSE!
GRADNDAUGHTER
Don’t you understand? You can’t stay here. They are tearing the building down!
ETHEL
Oh, honey, don’t be so hard on yourself. They aren’t tearing the building down. That’s a terrible thing to say.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Yes they are! This notice says they are!
ETHEL
Well, just because I say I’m an old teacup filled with crumpets and gin doesn’t make it true! I honestly don’t know where she gets these ideas!
EDWIN
Ridiculous!
ETHEL
Here, is this what’s upsetting you?
(ETHEL takes the paper out of GRANDDAUGHTER’s hands and rips it to pieces.)
ETHEL
There, all better.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! What did you just do?
ETHEL
You don’t have to worry about it any more.
(ETHEL looks down at the body.)
ETHEL
This guy, on the other hand, could be a problem.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh, shit. Shit! Is he breathing?
ETHEL
I don’t know. Do you know?
EDWIN
No, I don’t know.
ETHEL
Okay, then I won’t ask.
(Both old women stand in silence, not asking. GRANDDAUGHTER gets on her knees and checks for a pulse.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
He’s not breathing. There’s no pulse.
ETHEL
Well, he’s dead.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! Don’t say that!
EDWIN
No use running from the truth. He’s dead as dead can be.
GRANDDAUGHETR
Aunt Edwin! A man just died!
EDWIN
People die every day, just a fact of life.
(EDWIN yawns and resumes her place on the floor for another nap.)
GRADNDAUGHTER
(Pause.) We have to get rid of the body.
ETHEL
Why? He’s not going anywhere.
(ETHEL sits on the floor near EDWIN.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
No, no! This is not how you react when a man dies! How are you so calm? Both of you! What is wrong with you?
ETHEL
Calm down, jeeze. Your mother said you had a temper, but I didn’t think it was this bad. You need to learn how to control those feeling, dear. Otherwise the world is going to be a very cruel place for you.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Argh! You know what? Fine. Whatever. Here is me, being calm.
(GRANDDAUGHTER sits on the floor with her elderly relatives.)
ETHEL
See, now isn’t this nice? Calm, peaceful.
(EDWIN wakes up and soundlessly stares at the body on the floor.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Yes, I guess it is kind of relaxing…Wait. No. I can’t do this. A man is dead. You’re not supposed to be able to feel this good after just killing a man. But it just feels so…nice. So calm. You know, I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. Somehow, here, it doesn’t really seem to matter. He would have died eventually anyway—we just helped him get there a little faster! I mean, he seemed rather unhappy—and now just look at him! Not a worry in the world! Really, in a miserable life like his, what’s the point?
ETHEL
That’s just it, dear, there is no point. Life’s what you make of it—don’t they teach you anything in school these days? See, all you had to do was take a few deep breaths and-
EDWIN
You know, I don’t like him there. He’s blocking the entryway. It’s very rude.
ETHEL
Well, we better move him. Maybe he can be useful after all.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Wait, useful? How can a dead man be useful?
ETHEL
Use your imagination, dear. You are an artist, are you not?
GRANDDAUGHTER
I guess so…
ETHEL
Well, all right then. How can we make this giant lemon of a man into a refreshing glass of lemonade?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm…maybe we could…use him…as a hat-rack!
EDWIN
Brilliant! See, she got some of your blood after all. Help me move him, won’t you dearies?
(EDWIN gets up and goes over to the body. The other two women follow. They prop the MAN up against the toppled table, and ETHEL removes her hat and places it on his head. As a final touch, ETHEL leans her cane against him.)
ETHEL
Perfect! Now, about that painting…
(GRANDDAUGHTER gathers her art supplies and ETHEL helps EDWIN arrange herself near the MAN.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
You know, I think this will be the best painting I’ve ever done.
CHARACTERS:
ETHEL: an elderly woman
GRANDDAUGHTER: an artist, ETHEL’s granddaughter, 20 years old
EDWIN: an extremely old woman, GRANDDAUGHTER’s great aunt,
MAN: a down-to-earth young man
Setting: A warehouse. Inside, there is a table on its side, a pile of five or six folding chairs lying on the ground in a messy pile, old tires, and some wood. Outside, there is a metal garbage can, a broken ladder, and a car door.
(Outside the warehouse. ETHEL hobbles onstage using a brightly colored umbrella as a cane. She wears a flamboyant hat with birds or fruit on it. GRANDDAUGHTER enters carrying a paintbrush and a canvas.)
ETHEL
Look, it’s just right over there. See, I told you we aren’t lost.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma, that’s not her house.
ETHEL
Oh, of course it is. Who else’s house could it be?
GRANDDAUGHTER
But Grandma-
ETHEL
No, no buts about it. I know you’ve never met your great aunt, but she is family, and you are going to be nice. You know what they say, “Don’t ever judge a book by its cover,” and here you are judging before you’ve even met the poor old dear. Now, where could she be?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma, this cannot be where she lives! This isn’t even a house! It’s a warehouse!
(ETHEL ignores GRANDDAUGHTER and begins to look for EDWIN in absurd places like under the ladder and near the car door.)
ETHEL
Edwin? Edwin! Now where is that old bat?
(Edwin appears from inside the garbage can.)
ETHEL
Edwin?
EDWIN
Ethel?
ETHEL
Edwin!
(A look of shock overcomes GRANDDAUGHTER’s face as ETHEL runs to EDWIN. They embrace then do a secret handshake.)
EDWIN
It’s so good to see you!
ETHEL
Oh, pish-posh. Look who I brought to see you! My granddaughter!
EDWIN
Well, how very selfish of you. You couldn’t bring me my granddaughter? You had to bring your own? The first time you have the nerve to visit in years and you can’t even bring me my own granddaughter?
ETHEL
Edwin, dear, you don’t have a granddaughter.
EDWIN
Well, that’s true. I guess this one will have to do.
ETHEL
And did I tell you she’s an artist?
EDWIN
Oh, an artist! So, what’s she sculpted? Anything I would enjoy?
(EDWIN strikes a dramatic pose.)
GRANDDUAGHTER
Actually, Aunt Edwin, I paint.
EDWIN
Paint? Psssh.
(EDWIN waves her away as she struggles out of the garbage can.)
EDWIN
Painters, not a good one among them. I knew a painter once. Almost married the man. But he kept wanting to buy acrylics and oils and watercolors and brushes. Honestly, what would anyone do with all that paint? Even if you repainted the entire house twice a day for the rest of your life, there would still be gallons of the stuff left over!
GRANDDAUGHTER
I was actually hoping to paint you—a portrait—if you don’t mind.
EDWIN
Oh. (Pause.) Well, I’d be honored!
ETHEL
Shall we go inside?
EDWIN
Of course, how rude of me! Come, come, follow me. Watch your step.
(All three enter the warehouse. Upon entering, ETHEL’s face falls and she is speechless for a moment. She stumbles back and steadies herself with GRANDDAUGHTER’s elbow.)
ETHEL
Oh, Edwin…I don’t know what to say. It’s-it’s beautiful!
(GRANDDAUGHTER looks around in a stunned silence. The other two women carry on like normal.)
EDWIN
Now, where do you want me?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm…maybe over here would be nice?
(GRANDDAUGHTER gestures towards the pile of chairs on the floor, then moves to set one up for EDWIN to sit in.)
EDWIN
No, no, no! Don’t do that! It took me ages to get them all to sit still like that. Don’t go moving them—I’ll never get them back in their proper places if you do.
(GRANDDAUGHTER gently returns the chair to its place. She pauses and looks around, then moves towards the table.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Okay, how about here?
ETHEL
No, no, the lighting is terrible over there. What you should do is wait for the sun to set and paint her then, with the rays forming a nice halo over her head. Oh, and we should find a nice hat-rack to set in the background. I think that would add to the picture quite nicely. It’s too bad you don’t have a hat-rack, Edwin…I guess the painting will just have to wait.
GRANDDAUGHTER
A hat-rack? I think you might mean a coat rack, Grandma…
ETHEL
No, no. A hat-rack! Edwin, you know what I’m talking about.
EDWIN
Of course, dear.
ETHEL
I always loved a good hat-rack. A place to put your finest hats, everyone deserves at least one fancy hat in their lifetime. And this hat should be splendid—no sensible hats for me. No, siree! I like my hats a bit on the whimsical side, the dreamy side, a side with imagination! People take their hats much too seriously these days.
(While ETHEL is talking, EDWIN curls up into a ball in the middle of the floor and falls asleep.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm, Grandma? What is Aunt Edwin doing?
ETHEL
Taking a nap, dear. She’s old. That’s what old people do.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh…Grandma, how old is Aunt Edwin?
ETHEL
Shush dear, we don’t talk about that here.
GRANDDAUGHTER
About birthdays?
ETHEL
No. It’s undignified. I have never celebrated a birthday in my life.
GRANDDAUGHTER
But how do you know how old you are?
ETHEL
How do I know how old I am? Really dear, where do such ludicrous ideas come from? Must be artist’s blood. I know I’ve never had such silly thoughts.
GRANDDAUGHTER
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.
ETHEL
Good. I knew you’d come around.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Right…
ETHEL
Shh! Did you hear something?
(ETHEL looks around like a crazy woman.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
No. Why, did you?
ETHEL
No. I was just checking. Just making sure I wasn’t missing anything.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh. I see.
(Pause. EDWIN yawns and wakes up. She stretches.)
EDWIN
What are you all doing up there?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Aunt Edwin, you fell asleep.
EDWIN
And you let me sleep all alone? Well some party this turned out to be.
(ETHEL has not been paying attention to the conversation.)
ETHEL
Shh! Did you hear something?
GRANDDAUGHTER
No, haven’t we already been over this?
ETHEL
I think I hear something!
EDWIN
Me too! I can hear it too!
(A loud knock at the door is suddenly heard. ETHEL heads towards the door.)
ETHEL
(Gasps.) There’s a man out there knocking at your door. He looks a bit young for you though, Edwin dear. He doesn’t look too happy…rather menacing-looking actually. I wonder what he wants.
EDWIN
I bet he’s one of those damn real estate agents, always trying to get me to sell them my house. Well, he is not welcome here. Not welcome one bit.
ETHEL
And the fun begins! You get the door, Edwin! I’ll grab my cane. I’ll take care of this.
(ETHEL retrieves her umbrella and heads toward the door with EDWIN. GRANDDAUGHTER does not move. Knocking is heard again, and the MAN’s voice is heard from behind the door.)
MAN
Hello? Is anyone in there?
ETHEL
Let him in, Edwin.
(MAN enters.)
ETHEL
Hello? What do you want?
MAN
Hello. My name is-
EDWIN
Go away.
MAN
I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m here to tell you-
ETHEL
That’s just great, but we don’t care why you’re here or what you’re selling. You’re trespassing on private property.
MAN
Well, you see, that’s just the thing I wanted to-
EDWIN
Boring!
MAN
Ma’am, I have a very important message for you, if you would only let me finish.
ETHEL
(To EDWIN, ignoring the MAN) He is a bit dry, huh? Should I spice things up a bit?
MAN
Please, if you would only listen. I was sent here to tell you-
EDWIN
Well, why not? Now things should get interesting!
ETHEL
Or at least less boring. (To the MAN.) Well, it’s lights out for you!
(ETHEL smacks the MAN over the head with her umbrella as EDWIN laughs like a mad woman. The MAN drops to the floor.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! What are you doing?
ETHEL
Well, he shouldn’t be here. And he talked too much.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! You can’t just be knocking men off their feet at all hours of the night!
ETHEL
I’m not, dear. What time is it?
EDWIN
(Finally stops laughing.) I don’t know. Midnight?
ETHEL
Well then, I have just knocked him off his feet at midnight. He can have the other hours.
(The MAN groans and starts to move. ETHEL smacks him again with her umbrella.)
ETHEL
Okay, now he can have the rest of the hours. What’s this in his hand?
EDWIN
I don’t know. Why are you asking me?
ETHEL
Well, am I not supposed to ask you?
EDWIN
No, not when I don’t know.
ETHEL
Well, I’ll keep that in mind.
(GRANDDAUGHTER picks up the paper.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
It’s an eviction notice. It says this building has been condemned.
EDWIN
Watch your mouth, young lady! I will have no talk of the devil in this house!
GRANDDAUGHTER
It’s not a house, Aunt Edwin! It’s a warehouse.
EDWIN
Exactly! A ware-HOUSE!
GRADNDAUGHTER
Don’t you understand? You can’t stay here. They are tearing the building down!
ETHEL
Oh, honey, don’t be so hard on yourself. They aren’t tearing the building down. That’s a terrible thing to say.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Yes they are! This notice says they are!
ETHEL
Well, just because I say I’m an old teacup filled with crumpets and gin doesn’t make it true! I honestly don’t know where she gets these ideas!
EDWIN
Ridiculous!
ETHEL
Here, is this what’s upsetting you?
(ETHEL takes the paper out of GRANDDAUGHTER’s hands and rips it to pieces.)
ETHEL
There, all better.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! What did you just do?
ETHEL
You don’t have to worry about it any more.
(ETHEL looks down at the body.)
ETHEL
This guy, on the other hand, could be a problem.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh, shit. Shit! Is he breathing?
ETHEL
I don’t know. Do you know?
EDWIN
No, I don’t know.
ETHEL
Okay, then I won’t ask.
(Both old women stand in silence, not asking. GRANDDAUGHTER gets on her knees and checks for a pulse.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
He’s not breathing. There’s no pulse.
ETHEL
Well, he’s dead.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Grandma! Don’t say that!
EDWIN
No use running from the truth. He’s dead as dead can be.
GRANDDAUGHETR
Aunt Edwin! A man just died!
EDWIN
People die every day, just a fact of life.
(EDWIN yawns and resumes her place on the floor for another nap.)
GRADNDAUGHTER
(Pause.) We have to get rid of the body.
ETHEL
Why? He’s not going anywhere.
(ETHEL sits on the floor near EDWIN.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
No, no! This is not how you react when a man dies! How are you so calm? Both of you! What is wrong with you?
ETHEL
Calm down, jeeze. Your mother said you had a temper, but I didn’t think it was this bad. You need to learn how to control those feeling, dear. Otherwise the world is going to be a very cruel place for you.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Argh! You know what? Fine. Whatever. Here is me, being calm.
(GRANDDAUGHTER sits on the floor with her elderly relatives.)
ETHEL
See, now isn’t this nice? Calm, peaceful.
(EDWIN wakes up and soundlessly stares at the body on the floor.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Yes, I guess it is kind of relaxing…Wait. No. I can’t do this. A man is dead. You’re not supposed to be able to feel this good after just killing a man. But it just feels so…nice. So calm. You know, I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. Somehow, here, it doesn’t really seem to matter. He would have died eventually anyway—we just helped him get there a little faster! I mean, he seemed rather unhappy—and now just look at him! Not a worry in the world! Really, in a miserable life like his, what’s the point?
ETHEL
That’s just it, dear, there is no point. Life’s what you make of it—don’t they teach you anything in school these days? See, all you had to do was take a few deep breaths and-
EDWIN
You know, I don’t like him there. He’s blocking the entryway. It’s very rude.
ETHEL
Well, we better move him. Maybe he can be useful after all.
GRANDDAUGHTER
Wait, useful? How can a dead man be useful?
ETHEL
Use your imagination, dear. You are an artist, are you not?
GRANDDAUGHTER
I guess so…
ETHEL
Well, all right then. How can we make this giant lemon of a man into a refreshing glass of lemonade?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Umm…maybe we could…use him…as a hat-rack!
EDWIN
Brilliant! See, she got some of your blood after all. Help me move him, won’t you dearies?
(EDWIN gets up and goes over to the body. The other two women follow. They prop the MAN up against the toppled table, and ETHEL removes her hat and places it on his head. As a final touch, ETHEL leans her cane against him.)
ETHEL
Perfect! Now, about that painting…
(GRANDDAUGHTER gathers her art supplies and ETHEL helps EDWIN arrange herself near the MAN.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
You know, I think this will be the best painting I’ve ever done.
